Rosemere Round-Up Nayberhood Newsletter with Ed Streitz

July 2020

Hey Naybers and Fellow Rosemerians!

This is extra-special dition of the Round-Up ‘cause we’s all in SUPER DANGER or something. Specially Old Lady Joyce (psssst…it ain’t lookin so good for her cording to Rachill Mancow and Lesser Hole}.

Seems theres this flying flu that gots everyone goin crazy bout it. It’s the Caralo Flu from Japan. I watched some movies on the youtubes where these Japaners was just falling all over in the streets ‘cause the Carolla snucked up inside their noses and zapped ‘em a good one and they fell over like sack a tatos.

Theres ALL kindsa names for, to. INCLUDING: Covin Einteen, Carola Viriss, and plus the WOO-HA flu (cause that’s what you say when you sneeze yourself outta your mind about it.) It’s pernownced like how Al Pacheeno says in that one movie, but in Japnese it’s the same as the American way we say “OUCHIE.” It’s super complicated.


So now we’s all sposed to suffocate areselves to death so we don’t breathe it or something. And plus stay bout six feets away ‘cause the cooties can jump super hard AND far and sneak up your own nose and make you die FAST. Spooky if you think about it.

But I don’t even know how that even makes HARDLY NO sense. I don’t think a hanky can keep the flu out of your face, you know what I’m saying? I mean, come on. That’s just so stupid even I know it – and I don’t know nuthin bout doctor science – but I do know bout breathing – and GEUSS WHAT? I like breathing! AND I know that you’s sposed to breathe to be healthy. DUH!!

Ken says that it’s just like a normal flu but cept this one gots a REALLY good marketing team that makes people on the TV news cry about it and say you should panic real hard ‘cause we’s all gonna turn about 80 years old some day and maybe die from it or something.

I ain’t so sure who to baleeve ‘cause Ken’s super smart bout all kindsa stuff, but the TV keeps yammering on and on and on, like it’s the end a the werld but me an Ken don’t even know no one who even GOTS it! And nobody in the WHOLE nayberhood ain’t got it, too. So…it don’t zactly make sense. Sure, Jeannie thinks she gots it all over in her but she thought she got the ADES back in 1988 from a toilet seat at Sandy Barr’s Flea Mart but it turns out it was only crabs. (psssst…a certain nosy nayber says she got ‘em from Killer Brooks and Stan Stasiak after the Coal Miner’s Glove match at the Salem Armory in the Summer of ’86.} Who knows if it’s true…?

So now theres a buncha stupid people dressing up like they’s in that Weird Owl video where he was making fun a that dumb Madona video bout “doin’ it,” but it ain’t funny no more. It ain’t Halaween, alright? Golldang. It looks super stupid. How dumb you gotta be anyway? I don’t know bout you, but I CAN’T BREATHE with a no mask on.

One a Bernie’s docters said that if you get it, there’s like a 102% (hunnerd and two percent) of serviving it and wearing a dumb mask ain’t gonna do you no good anyway, so no one round here ain’t gonna wear one – specially Ken. Ken ain’t no sissy and he ain’t afraid a NOTHIN – specially another stupid dumb bird flu, or pig flu, or the Hiney flu, or the SCARS Viriss, or the Fook-A-Sheema radio fallouts (that makes fish newkuler reactors with supersonic fish powers that you ain’t sposed to eat), or whatever the next dumb thing’s gonna be.

The whole thing makes me think the news might not probly be so true…but who knows…maybe gasoline WILL run out by the year 2000, and maybe the Rushins is gonna drop a newkuler bomb on us in 1984, and maybe Anthrax is gonna show up in your mailbox – but that don’t make sense ‘cause how can a WHOLE BAND fit in a envelope? Duh.

I don’t know…I guess we could just spend are whole lifes doing the ‘Duck and Cover’ and being scared outta are wits…I guess being scared about what the TV says is just part a being a Good American.

In other news, The Giant broke his ankle but don’t worry – he’s still working at the 33rd but it takes him a extra long time to get the corn dogs out of the display case ‘cause they’s waaaay up front and he gots to bend over and he has to special adjust his casted-up leg just right for him to reach ‘em.

Anyways, that’s bout it for this time.

Oh, and plus there’s gonna be a party at Castro’s on Saterday, but don’t tell no one ‘cause his Ant’s outta town and she don’t know bout it. And he’s gonna make everyone clean up before they leave, so it’ll be all normal and she won’t know. Alright?

Alright. I geuss that’s it. I’ll probly see you on Saterday (oh, it’s the last Saterday a July).


I’ll mow your lawn for TEN BUCKS ($10). That’s cheap and I’m fast and good. Call me.

Bernie’s looking for a couch without too many stains. (pssst…he gots a new girlfriend and he’s abarrassed by his lumpy futon.) Let him know what you got for bout $30 or trade (he gots some really good stuff).

Old Lady Joyce is selling brownies* for only $25 a pan. They’s really good. I don’t member her phone number but it’s in the phone book under Mrs. Gordon Downie, Jr. You could look it up. I ain’t never have to call her cuase it’s quicker for me to just go knock on her door.

Oh, and Queenie’s doing baby-sitting now. She ain’t so nice to me, but parently she’s super nice to kids and she don’t act all tough when she ain’t hanging out with the Reggalators. Stupid Reggalators. Sick a all there grafeety. Anyways, if you know her last name, you could call her.

* Old Lady Joyce’s brownies got the “special extra gredients” (if you know what I mean).

Signing off for now.

Your pal,

Ed (and plus Sesame, to).

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